What I Learned from Johnny English

What I learned from Johnny English, the first movie:

The last agent of MI-5… by his own doing 

1. The French are always to mistrust

2. There’s no end to the embarassment one can feel for a character that does embarassing stuff

3. The sidekick is better than the hero in all but motivation and heart

4. As long as you’re the hero you will get the girl, even though she wants to punch you in the face

5. Criminals will remain criminals even when reeducated and hired in a “decent” company

6. Johnny English is possibly responsible for having ended more lives through negligence and arrogance than he has saved lives

7. An overly British/French style and atmosphere over a movie can hurt it

8. A slow pace in a movie can hurt it

What I learned from Johnny English Reborn:

I love how confused he looks in this picture, like “what the heck is going on?!”

1. Sequels can surpass prequels by far in terms of awesomeness and greatness

2. Johnny English is awesome, even when he’s older or when he wears lipstick

3. It is possible to train your balls into a state of invincibility

4. It can be a good thing to mix crucial items up

5. The sidekick is still awesome but not as good as the hero

6. The hero will make errors due to arrogance and negligence anyhow

7. Watch out for scary Chinese old female assassins

8. Growing older only makes you even more badass

9. Timoxylene barbabutanol is a tongue twister:


First image from: http://static-illicoweb.videotron.com/illicoweb/static/webtv/images/content/player/johnny_english_va_WT_Poster.jpg

Second image from: http://www.filmofilia.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/johnny_english_reborn_rowan.jpg

Third image from: http://images.thedirt.com.au/2011/09/02/671302/johnny-english-rowan-atkinson-395.jpg

Advertisements

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for the NES

I can’t believe that Nintendo released such a NES starter set as this one:

How could I not be aware of this until today?! How awesome isn’t this?

I’ll tell you! It’s totally rad!

When I reach The Dam level I pretty much feel like this:

I mean, it’s notoriously difficult and I’ve only managed to defeat it twice, and I’m counting not only the times I’ve failed but also the times I just gave up when my stomach acted up because of the stress invoked by the time limit. Damn it, it’s The Dam! Ha ha ha! Get it?

The first TMNT on Mario’s console pretty much ends in this situation: The turtles are dead, Mario is apoligizing for the treatment they got on his particular console and Splinter, Casey Jones and April are beyond themselves with grief.

Thank you, The Dam. Thank yee.

And yet you manage to be a very fun game to play. If that isn’t a paradox… then I guess it isn’t. But it could be. Why? Because I said so!

First image: http://spamcity.files.wordpress.com/2011/01/teenage-mutant-ninja-turtles-palcom-nintendo-nes-bundle.jpeg?w=584

Second image: http://cache.kotaku.com/assets/images/9/2011/10/xlarge_tmnt.jpg

Third image: http://www.thefunnyblog.org/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/mario-Teenage-Mutant-Ninja-Turtles-funny-blog.jpg

Something smells good

I was sitting on the crapper playing Pokémon HeartGold when I turned to my Bayleef to see how it felt.

“Sniff sniff, something smells good!”

Okay, I know that it’s a plant Pokémon and that they love manure but describing that produce of mine as “smelling good” is maybe a tad too optimistic for my taste.

 Shame on you.

Image (C) MartianOddity

Pokémon (C) Gamefreak

Possessed Mario Face

The crew from the site Screwattack.com were at the Santa Monica Pier where they ordered a Mario face made out of clay from one of the local craftsmen. This is the result:

            

VIDEO: http://www.springboardplatform.com/mediaplayer/springboard/video/scre004/0/423337/

            

That’s hilarious!

Unfortunately I couldn’t embed the video into this post, but this will have to do.

Enjoy!

Image from: http://www.mariowiki.com/File:Mario_head_smaller.png

Pokémon Progress: The Sequel

I’m in Goldenrod and I’m going to face the Normal Type Gym there and open up a can of whoop-ass on the trainers there. Well, that’s if Whitney’s Miltank isn’t unbelievably strong as in the original games, if that’s the case she’ll shut my can of whoop-ass and present me a can of whoop-ass of her own after which I will white out.

What does “white out” mean anyways? According to Wikipedia it means:

Verb

white out

  1. (transitive) To hide an error or other material on a surface by covering it with correcting fluid.

Does that mean that when the game says “[Player] is out of usable Pokémon! [Player] whited out!” that the player hides his or her error by covering the battlefield with correcting fluid?

Anyhow, so far I have the following team:

Licorita the Bayleef, Lv. 18: Poison Powder, Flash, Razor Leaf, Synthesis

 Pidgenator the Pidgeotto, Lv. 18: Quick Attack, Sand Attack, Gust, Roost

Mama the Kangaskhan, Lv. 18: Headbutt, Tail Whip, Fake Out, Bite

Scorch the Magby, Lv. 18: Sunny Day, Smokescreen, Faint Attack, Sunny Day

Yes, Magby is from Pokéwalker and no, he doesn’t evolve to Magmar until Lv. 30 and that’s a shocker since Magmar’s available at Lv. 16 in the original games. It’s OK, I’m patient, I’ll wait for that baby to evolve…

And I’m iffed about the Goldenrod Department store not selling the elemental punches anymore.

First image from: http://bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net/wiki/File:Ash_Pikachu_unable_to_battle.png

Sprites from: http://sprites.pokecheck.org/

Strange Tales from the East

I was looking through some Hotel reviews when I stumbled upon this review of Hotel Turkus, a hotel in the small town of Bialystok, Poland, and since I thought the colorful story-telling was very amusing I thought of sharing it with you even though it has little to nothing to do with the usual content in this blog.  But don’t worry, we’ll be back on track tomorrow with something video game, movie or art related.

“Hotel Carcass” By: spitfireix

Arrived here around two-three in the morning after a very long drive from Warsaw Airport. It had been a very tiring day, and we were extremely tired and ready for a good nights rest.

The hotel greeted us with euro techno beats blasting thru some old speakers, and the inside lobby were an exotic mix of communist design and what looked to me like an attempt to cross a tropic jungle with crack addiction. Several unknown, huge green plants were placed around us, only topped by some very questionable fish tanks containing what looked like a hybrids between sevage fish and earth worms. Other plants seemed to be slowly taking over the receptionist desk, as a slow paced space alien plant invasion. Alien invasion or not, we didn’t really care, we just wanted to sleep.

We left this morbid tropic science fiction lobby and took an elevator up to our room. Amazingly as it may sound to you, it did work. We suspect though, with another decade progressing, that it will finally succumb to elevator lung cancer due to the amount of cigarette smoke and smell it resides in day in and out.

I remember the hallway to our room as the most “normal” in this hotel, most likely due to the fact it was so ill lit up that it managed to hide it’s dark secrets. Anything could be in those walls.

I had to keep myself from crying once I entered our room as I finally realized what “final stop before entering the Nazi concentration camps” meant. The walls were painted shock-yellow, but not enough to cover that *something* had gone down there within the last two decades or so. The wall above the minatyre TV you only see in American low budget road moves from the 80’s seemed to have been recently painted over. I was scared of touching the wall as I suspected it might lead me into a dark, sinister parallell dimension of some sort. Then I realized nothing could be worse than this and touched it anyway. Sadly, the dimension jump didn’t work. Likely to the amount of dirt the wall have gathered since 1965.

The beds had seen it’s glory days in the 1970’s, and moving them together to create a double bed for us was surprisingly easy on this ancient carpet floor. The sheets were torn and ripped in the edges and had stains of unknown origin. The towels given to us were not white, but blue with more of these stains and spots we could not identify. The room might have been used as a location for an underground Soviet porn move in 1982. We just don’t know.

The bathroom had open pipes and it was quite lovely to finally see what pipes usually hidden inside walls actually looks like. They are white and dirty. Another pipe went from the shower cabinet and into an open hole in the floor. At least I know where they have managed to get these fish I saw in the lobby. However, it is the first time I felt more dirty AFTER a showe than before.

We were too tired to find another hotel, so we tried to fall asleep. The temperature was reaching 35 plus and the ongoing Polish techno disco downstairs did not help our sleeping needs. We stayed awake for several hours, trying in desperation to sleep.

The next morning we went down to the designated room for breakfast. We had recieved several of these tiny little paper vouchers. Once given to one of the workers, we could eat. The breakfast was not “European” or “British” but rather “communistic”. Dry bread, two types of jam and some cheese that kept melting out over the table. The orange juice was indeed yellow, but tasted more like LCD cleaning liquid.

30 minutes later we left hotel Carcass in desperate need of another hotel. I was not ready to be sent to a concentration camp just yet.

Room Tip: I dear any of you to eat the fish in those tanks

6 people found this review helpful. 😀

Link: http://www.tripadvisor.com/ShowUserReviews-g274741-d1449229-r121737822-Hotel_Turkus-Bialystok_Podlachia_Province_Eastern_Poland.html#CHECK_RATES_CONT

Image from: http://www.salebiznesowe.pl/bialystok/hotel-turkus