Strange Tales from the East

I was looking through some Hotel reviews when I stumbled upon this review of Hotel Turkus, a hotel in the small town of Bialystok, Poland, and since I thought the colorful story-telling was very amusing I thought of sharing it with you even though it has little to nothing to do with the usual content in this blog.  But don’t worry, we’ll be back on track tomorrow with something video game, movie or art related.

“Hotel Carcass” By: spitfireix

Arrived here around two-three in the morning after a very long drive from Warsaw Airport. It had been a very tiring day, and we were extremely tired and ready for a good nights rest.

The hotel greeted us with euro techno beats blasting thru some old speakers, and the inside lobby were an exotic mix of communist design and what looked to me like an attempt to cross a tropic jungle with crack addiction. Several unknown, huge green plants were placed around us, only topped by some very questionable fish tanks containing what looked like a hybrids between sevage fish and earth worms. Other plants seemed to be slowly taking over the receptionist desk, as a slow paced space alien plant invasion. Alien invasion or not, we didn’t really care, we just wanted to sleep.

We left this morbid tropic science fiction lobby and took an elevator up to our room. Amazingly as it may sound to you, it did work. We suspect though, with another decade progressing, that it will finally succumb to elevator lung cancer due to the amount of cigarette smoke and smell it resides in day in and out.

I remember the hallway to our room as the most “normal” in this hotel, most likely due to the fact it was so ill lit up that it managed to hide it’s dark secrets. Anything could be in those walls.

I had to keep myself from crying once I entered our room as I finally realized what “final stop before entering the Nazi concentration camps” meant. The walls were painted shock-yellow, but not enough to cover that *something* had gone down there within the last two decades or so. The wall above the minatyre TV you only see in American low budget road moves from the 80’s seemed to have been recently painted over. I was scared of touching the wall as I suspected it might lead me into a dark, sinister parallell dimension of some sort. Then I realized nothing could be worse than this and touched it anyway. Sadly, the dimension jump didn’t work. Likely to the amount of dirt the wall have gathered since 1965.

The beds had seen it’s glory days in the 1970’s, and moving them together to create a double bed for us was surprisingly easy on this ancient carpet floor. The sheets were torn and ripped in the edges and had stains of unknown origin. The towels given to us were not white, but blue with more of these stains and spots we could not identify. The room might have been used as a location for an underground Soviet porn move in 1982. We just don’t know.

The bathroom had open pipes and it was quite lovely to finally see what pipes usually hidden inside walls actually looks like. They are white and dirty. Another pipe went from the shower cabinet and into an open hole in the floor. At least I know where they have managed to get these fish I saw in the lobby. However, it is the first time I felt more dirty AFTER a showe than before.

We were too tired to find another hotel, so we tried to fall asleep. The temperature was reaching 35 plus and the ongoing Polish techno disco downstairs did not help our sleeping needs. We stayed awake for several hours, trying in desperation to sleep.

The next morning we went down to the designated room for breakfast. We had recieved several of these tiny little paper vouchers. Once given to one of the workers, we could eat. The breakfast was not “European” or “British” but rather “communistic”. Dry bread, two types of jam and some cheese that kept melting out over the table. The orange juice was indeed yellow, but tasted more like LCD cleaning liquid.

30 minutes later we left hotel Carcass in desperate need of another hotel. I was not ready to be sent to a concentration camp just yet.

Room Tip: I dear any of you to eat the fish in those tanks

6 people found this review helpful. 😀

Link: http://www.tripadvisor.com/ShowUserReviews-g274741-d1449229-r121737822-Hotel_Turkus-Bialystok_Podlachia_Province_Eastern_Poland.html#CHECK_RATES_CONT

Image from: http://www.salebiznesowe.pl/bialystok/hotel-turkus

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2 thoughts on “Strange Tales from the East

    • Apparently Turkus means Tourqoise. There’s nothing turquiose over the building but some pictures from the net actually shows a much better picture of how the hotel actually looks like. The reviewer apparently has a vivid imagination 😛

      Like

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