The Horrorscope: The Sequel

For those of you that followed the blog since the beginning or dug into the depths of its timeline, the Horrorscope might be familiar.

I draw influence from my own Horrorscopes from since I was a kid. I guess a lot of kids did these kinds of horoscopes, I’ve seen James Rolfe’s (filmmaker, director and producer of Cinemassacre, most known as the Angry Video Game Nerd) ones from his childhood on his website.

Aries March 21 – April 19

Remember that pet of yours that passed away? It’s back. It’s mean. Run for it.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

You might get hold of a chest of cursed gold that just might make your life a little bit more…interesting.

Gemini May 21 – June 20

Don’t trust the nice old lady in the building. She’s not what you think she is.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

Survived the Zombie attack? Get ready for the next wave.

Leo July 23 – August 22

Jealousy will be very messy this month. Expect full retribution from a jealous partner. Change your toothbrush. No, change everything.

Virgo August 23 – September 22

Someone will come to you at night to reclaim what he/she wrongfully think is his/her.

Libra September 23 – October 22

Watch who you’re messing with, you just might get framed for murder.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

The forecast shows cloudy weather with a chance of blood. Get a handgun and carry it with you at all times.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

Next time you look after how your excrement looks like when you’re done, wear goggles and a mask: it will get messy.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

You’ll finally get a reason to use those kitchen knives you bought last year, too bad it’s not for cooking.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

Don’t look into the corner of the room that’s behind you. There’s a little someone waiting for you to see her.

Pisces February 19 – March 20

The day will end with an unexpected twist. Watch where you put your feet.

Disclaimer: These are all made up. Get a sense of dark humour, will ya?

The first Horrorscope:

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